


Forsaken Illusion

by Asha_Kaberrt



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-06-02 14:00:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6569050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asha_Kaberrt/pseuds/Asha_Kaberrt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izaya is getting similar dreams every night of Shizuo's and his counterparts - Tsugaru and Psyche. He tries to deny his love for Shizuo, but in reality, is jealous of Tsugaru and Psyche's closeness. (Don't worry. The story isn't as bad as the summary.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forsaken Illusion

_Without the sound of the cars, the area quieter than usual, the air filled with the sound of rushing water from the river. A man walked across the pathway cheerfully, listening to the music playing on his headphones. Wearing a white coat with a pink fur collar and carrying pink headphones, he stood out against everything else, but he didn't seem to be bothered about that._

_Despite his cheery appearance, he felt oddly lonely in the deserted area. But he wouldn't say it was because of the lack of people walking around. He'd probably say that it was because of the lack of one person. To think that just a single person could make that much of a difference._

_'_ _It's kind of strange, ne?' he said out loud, not to anyone in particular, not that there was anyone around to listen. He walked forward, feeling only emptiness around him. Alone. He didn't like being alone. Looking up, he noticed the grey skies, and the dark clouds moving. He was about to continue walking when he felt a drop of something wet on his face._

Is it going to rain? _Another few drops followed, and by then he had started walking away quickly. It soon changed to a light drizzle. He started to run, trying to get out of the rain, to the bridge going across the river. He hated the rain; it was cold and wet, and he didn't want to ruin his coat._ Where should I go? _Alone and lost in the downpour, he searched hurriedly for shelter._

_'_ _Psyche!'_

_He stopped running, almost slipping in the newly formed puddles on the wood planks, and turned around at the sound of his name. A familiar figure, clad in a blue kimono walked towards him, messy blond hair sticking out as usual, even in the rain. 'Tsugaru?'_

_Tsugaru, slightly pulling his kimono up so it wouldn't get dirtied by the puddles that had begun to form, held out the umbrella he was carrying. 'What are you doing? You'll get wet in this rain!' Psyche could barely hear him over the sound of the water drops hitting the ground._

_He looked at the umbrella, as if noticing it for the first time, and stepped closer till he was out of the pouring rain. He felt his face warm up, but quickly looked the other way._

_'_ _You should have taken an umbrella with you. You'll fall ill if you walk around in the rain like that.' Tsugaru said, concerned. Psyche was rather quiet, had something happened to him? Noticing his face was flushing, he began to worry. 'Hey, you don't have a fever or something do you?' He said, placing a hand on Psyche's forehead, making him blush even more._

_'_ _E-eh? N-no, I'm fine.'_

_'_ _Then what's wrong?' Something was definitely strange about him._ He looked happy to see me, didn't he? So what was wrong– Tsugaru paused, realizing something.

_'_ _It's nothing... I was just-' All of a sudden, he pulled Psyche towards him, embracing him. Psyche stopped talking mid-sentence, taken by surprise._

_'_ _If you were lonely, why didn't you say anything?' Tsugaru asked softly, still holding him close. 'You know I'm always there for you. And I'll always be there, no matter what.'_

_The rain continued to pour down, echoing on the floor of the bridge._ He knew? _Thought Psyche._ But my loneliness wasn't because there weren't any people around... It was only because you weren't there with me.

_'_ _It's ok,' Psyche smiled, looking up at Tsugaru. 'I don't feel lonely anymore.' He said, hugging him._ I want to stay like this, _he thought, closing his eyes as a sudden loud clap of thunder filled his ears._

* * *

Izaya woke up, his shirt clinging to his form due to the sweat covering him. _What was that dream…!_ He held his face in his hands. The two men surely looked slightly different, but it was obvious it was Shizuo and him. _So what if their names were different and they wore different clothes?! That was definitely us!_ Izaya immediately regretted thinking that. He had never ever, even in his dreams, thought that he would be meaning 'Shizuo and him' when he said 'us'. The very idea seemed preposterous and ludicrous!

He got out of his bed and took a long shower to clear his mind of last night's dream. Actually, it wasn't just last night. He had been having these dreams quite frequently now, and it was getting really annoying. He didn't need to get reminded of the feelings he had once held for the monster. _That's right. He had rejected my friendship before he even tried to get to know me._ Izaya could feel the sting of rejection even now. It was one of the reasons why he wanted to make Shizuo's life hell. Another, was because Shizuo was the complete opposite of Izaya. He had people who cared for him, and people whom he cared for, and the way Shizuo looked when he was with these people made Izaya feel sick… or whatever that feeling was… that weird swirling in his abdomen. So, the most easy way for Izaya to wipe that expression off Shizuo's face was to make him face his way; just listening to Izaya's god-like voice was enough for Shizuo to lose his calm, and that made Izaya happy. But, for some reason, that feeling just never went away… What _was_ that annoying feeling, and what would he have to do to just make it go _away_!

Izaya got out of the shower and got dressed in his usual clothes - black jeans and v-neck t-shirt - and made some breakfast for himself, since Namie would be arriving later. He knew how to make food, he just ordered Namie to make it because it pissed her off. He had learned it so he would never be dependant on anyone, and he _hated_ being dependant. After all, he was equal to God, and God never depended on anyone. Instead, _others_ depended on _him_.

He sat down and got down to business, but concentrating on work had become a real issue for him nowadays, since 'Tsugaru's' face kept popping up in his mind. He had heard that name so often in his dreams, he had no doubt now that that was the name of the blue kimono clad man that looked a bit too much like Shizuo for Izaya's comfort. He sighed, convinced that it was probably the hundredth time now.

'Are you okay, Izaya?' Namie's voice called out, but it was far from worried. In fact, it sounded more frustrated.

'When did you come in?' Izaya was actually surprised for a change. Usually, he would be amused if someone had actually managed to sneak up to him, but recently, it didn't seem like such a great feat to pull off.

'A while ago when you were staring at your computer in a daze.' She walked into Izaya's view, her expression showing complete disinterest.

Izaya smirked, 'maybe next time you would want to tell me you arrived, or were you planning on staying hidden the entire day so that you wouldn't have to work?'

'If that was the case, I wouldn't have come in the first place.' She spat out, approaching his desk. 'So, what's up with you? You haven't been laughing like a maniac recently.' Then smirked and added 'plans going wrong or something?'

'My dear Namie, you of all people should know that my plans _never_ go wrong.'

'Really? I think Heiwajima Shizuo would have a better idea, since he blames you even when it _isn't_ your fault, for change.' At the mention of his name, Izaya's expressions go sour and take on a cold atmosphere. 'Ahh… so _this_ is the cause of your weird behaviour.'

'What is that supposed to mean,' Izaya hissed, his expression changing again, and this time, he frowned at his assistant as if daring her to actually answer the question.

Namie sighed. 'Maybe you should just go out and get some fresh air.'

'Aww… if my dear assistant worried about her boss' health?'

Namie's lips curled in disgust when Izaya labelled himself as her 'boss'. 'Not really,' she responded, 'it's just that, I feel like I'll puke if I hear you sigh again. So get out and get some fresh air.'

As much as Izaya hated being ordered around, he went to get his signature fur coat anyway, thinking that maybe a change in environment may liven him up… as long as he didn't didn't meet the monster. All thanks to his dreams, he couldn't even look at Shizu-chan without getting reminded of Tsugaru's calm and endearing face. _So much unlike Shizu-chan himself._ Izaya thought, as he left his apartment, but not without making a snide remark or two to Namie, just to make it clear that he wasn't doing this because she asked him to.

As Izaya strolled through the streets of Ikebukuro, he already started feeling a little refreshed. _My dear humans know exactly how to cheer me up._ He hadn't even come across the protozoan yet, which was a great sign. _Maybe Namie was right. I just needed to get out for a while… of course I won't let her know that though._ Izaya had absolutely no reason to be in Ikebukuro. He could have just as well taken a walk in Shinjuku itself, but Shinjuku didn't have Russian Sushi, and Izaya was craving for some ootoro. _I wonder how long it has been since I last had i-_

Izaya's thoughts were interrupted by a loud 'IIIIIZAAAAAYAAAAAAAA!' Of course. Shizuo had finally arrived.

Izaya turned around to face the tall, blonde brute. _Doesn't he just_ have _to spoil my day just when it was going well._ He forced a smirk onto his face, hoping he could participate in their usual game of cat-and-mouse without getting reminded of Tsugaru. 'Well, if it isn't Shizu-cha-' no, he couldn't. There it was. Tsugaru's face. A face filled with so many emotions: happiness, relief, calm, _love_. Izaya was annoyed with himself when he thought of the last one. _Of course Shizu-chan would never look at me like that, though. He may look at others like that, but never me._ And there it was again, that strange feeling in his stomach… as if he were about to get swallowed whole.

Suddenly a street sign appeared in his face. He avoided it at the last moment. 'Ah! I thought I would've definitely gotten you this time!' Shizuo growled.

_Of course he would wish that._ Izaya thought. _He didn't have the same dreams as I did… because he doesn't share the same feelings as I do._ The feeling in his abdomen intensified. 'Well, I'm so sorry to disappoint you! Now, I'm very busy so I'll be leaving!' He really didn't want to stay here any longer. He felt like he may get eaten up by this strange sensation if he did.

'Then maybe you shouldn't have come here in the first place, you flea!' And now it was a vending machine that was thrown.

Izaya easily dodged it. 'Aww… I thought you would be missing me, so I came!' _No… of course he wouldn't miss me…_ Izaya started running faster than he had ever ran during their chases.

'Like hell I'll miss _you_!' Shizuo growled and started running after him.

'Oh? Then why are you still chasing me?' Izaya smirked and made the mistake of looking back. The face that Shizuo wore was of pure hatred and anger. He just wanted Izaya dead. That was all. And Izaya knew it. _I probably even deserve it._ And for that small fraction of a second his mask broke. Of course, he gathered it as fast as it had shattered. But, that fraction of a second was enough for Shizuo to notice it.

_Did he seem… sad?_ Of course, Shizuo discarded that thought soon after, labelling it as ridiculously impossible. After all, this _was_ Orihara Izaya.

Finally, Izaya shook Shizuo off his tail. He walked back to his apartment in Shinjuku, feeling much worse than before. _So that's what that feeling was…_ he thought to himself as he got into the elevator. _The feeling of unrequited love… and it's probably even worse in my case._ Izaya laughed his maniacal laugh finally in so many weeks. _I wonder what dream I'll have tonight._ He thought as he entered his apartment. He let Namie leave for the day, since it had already become late.

But there were no dreams that night…

* * *

It had been almost three weeks now and Izaya hadn't gone out. He had somehow been keeping up with his work, but just relying on outside sources wasn't very reliable. Sometimes, the information would be inaccurate, at other times vague, and at other times incomplete. He had to go out and check everything himself, and he did do so, whenever the information was not related to Ikebukuro, but unfortunately for the informant, most of his clients were from there, and even those who weren't wanted information that could only be acquired there.

So, today, he would finally take a step into Ikebukuro after three weeks, and hopefully not see Shizuo. He took a train to Ikebukuro and started to walk towards the meeting place he had decided for his client and himself.

Suddenly, it started to rain. A light drizzle taking a heavier form. People started running around in a frenzy, desperate to find shelter from the rain. _People are so amusing. They are already drenched completely wet and are still trying to find shelter to avoid getting further wet._ Izaya walked through the streets that were starting to get emptier by the second, as more and more people hurried inside buildings or under any forms of shelter. Soon, Izaya reached a small bridge that connected this road to the one in front of him. The sound of the gushing water sounded so nostalgic… almost like he had heard it somewhere before… The familiar smell or earth, wet from the pouring rain… The feel of the water droplets, pelting his drenched coat…

He came to a sudden stop as he remembered. _That dream…_ He looked up at the grey sky above, but the raindrops threatened to poke his eyes, like tiny needles, so instead, he titled his head downwards, towards a small puddle that was forming near his feet. It reflected his face; contorted and blurred, as the water drops fell in it, creating ripples and enlarging it. But, he could still make out sorrowful features. Miserable and melancholic. Those of a defeated man… defeated by his own feelings… Izaya wanted to laugh so badly at his own humanity. His own mind had made him so pathetic. But, what Izaya found even more amusing, was the part of him that wished that Shizuo would call his name the way Tsugaru had called Psyche's… approach him the way Tsugaru had approached Psyche… offer him an umbrella save him from this wretched cold and damp the way Tsugaru had offered to Psyche and how Tsugaru had saved Psyche… and… to hold him close and protectively and affectionately… the way Tsugaru had held Psyche…

Izaya could feel something wet and cold roll down his cheeks, but whether they were teardrops or raindrops, he had no idea. All he knew was that it hurt. He didn't remember being injured anywhere, heck, he hadn't stepped outside his flat in fear of being injured. But, it still hurt. He clutched his chest, and for the first time in 5 years, he felt his heart beat this fast. Not even when he was in the face of death itself, had it raced like this. The only one time had been when he had first witnessed Shizuo's self in front of his own eyes… and now there was a second. That sensation in his abdomen had returned, and it was worse than before. _Why…_ He wondered. _Why is this happening to me… Why do I love him so much…_

Suddenly, a voice called out to him from behind. 'Izaya!' Izaya turned back to see a completely drenched bartender with blonde hair. The smile he put on was not like his usual smirk, but a much more forlorn one.

'Shizuo.' He almost whispered.

'I had told you to stay away from Ikebukuro, hadn't I, flea?!' He shouted over the rain.

_How ironic._ Izaya thought. _Tsugaru could barely be heard over the rain, because his voice was so soft… he had probably never even dreamed of shouting at Psyche... And Shizuo's voice can be heard so well over the rain…_ Izaya laughed loudly, but it was half-hearted and forced, and lacked malice. _Shizuo must have never dreamed of talking to me so softly, either._

'Stop laughing! Your voice irritates me so much!' Shizuo growled as he approached Izaya.

Izaya was reminded of how Tsugaru had approached Psyche. How he had tried to hurry, despite the risk of his kimono getting dirty, to offer Psyche a form of shelter… But this was nothing like that. Tsugaru's face had been laced with worry; worry for Psyche. Whereas Shizuo's face only contained one emotion - extreme hate; hate for Izaya. And that hurt. The feeling in his stomach became worse. The smile torn off his face. Shizuo was approaching Izaya the same was Tsugaru had approached Psyche… but still not the same. _Why is the setting so similar, but the feelings attached to it so different…_

Izaya was snapped out of his daze by a lamp that suddenly showed up in his view; he dodged it at the last moment, nearly slipping on the newly formed puddles. 'What's with that face Izaya? Finally feeling bad for everything you did to me? Well, it's too late now!'

_Yes. It_ is _too late. Maybe… would it have not been like this if I had tried to chase after you the normal way… if I had not tried to get back at you for rejecting me… would you… perhaps… have treated me like Tsugaru treated Psyche? … But thoughts like these are useless now. There is no going back now. Maybe I could've changed it if I had started earlier… but now… Tsugaru and Psyche are just dreams._

''Feel bad', Shizu-chan?' Izaya forced a smirk onto his face, and for some reason, it hurt. Putting on an indifferent or amused mask had never been difficult for Izaya before, so why now? _Because now I came to terms with everything._ 'God never feels bad for what he has done. After all, no matter what, he will always be right! Besides, why should I feel bad for what I have done to a monster? A monster like you probably deserves it!' _No, no you don't. You never did._

'Izayaaaaa!' Shizuo screamed as he ripped another street lamp from the road, boiling with rage. Izaya started to run, cautious of the slippery tar road. Izaya looked back at his pursuer, who currently had a lamp post in his hands, waiting to throw it at him.

_'_ _You'll fall ill if you walk around in the rain like that.'_ His eyes started burning again.

Shizuo, who was pursuing him, was met with those same eyes as before, but this time, those eyes stayed. And they stayed focused on him. What were they showing? Sadness? Resentment? … _Longing?_ Shizuo was really bad with feelings and people; he had no idea what was going on. What he _did_ know, was that the flea wasn't supposed to make that expression. He was _supposed_ to smirk and make fun of Shizuo and stab Shizuo, and, in return, Shizuo was _supposed_ to try to beat him to a pulp. But, Shizuo just realized, Izaya hadn't tried to do _any_ of those. What was up with the louse? What was he planning...

_'_ _If you were lonely, why didn't you say anything?'_ Izaya's hands itched, and he closed them, a bit too tightly, into fists. The two of them had reached a back alley now. Izaya started to climb up a building with the help of a service ladder, and Shizuo followed him up. The rain had become heavier and the ladder had become extremely slippery, but it was no big deal for Izaya, since his balance was perfect. Shizuo, though, had to slow down because of his sloppy movements. This increased the distance between the two and gave Izaya a lead.

_'_ _You know I'm always there for you.'_ Izaya forced himself to keep looking ahead, hoping to put an end to his stream of thoughts before they became too much for him to handle. He had already lost complete control over his expressions, and Shizuo had no doubt seen them - his true emotions. Whether the protozoan was able to figure out and deduce so much, though, was a mystery, and it was the first to which's answer Izaya desperately did not want to know. He started to jump from building to building with a cat-like grace, not caring if it was raining. A safe distance behind him, Shizuo was following, street lamp still heaved over his shoulder.

_'_ _And I'll always be there, no matter what.'_ Izaya looked back, just to make sure that Shizuo was still a safe distance away, but was greeted with the top of a lamp. _Shit. I was lost in thought and didn't pay attention!_ He somehow managed to avoid it, letting out a sigh. But, that sigh got caught in his throat as his feet slipped on a puddle that had formed on the edge of the terrace of the 6-story building he was currently on.

He slipped.

And he fell.

And his heart raced.

And everything slowed down.

The air rushed past him, as he fell faster than the raindrops from the grey, depressing sky. _Ahhh…_ Izaya thought. _So that's how the sky looks when it rains…_ The raindrops now hit his back as he collided with them on his way down. He didn't close his eyes. He'll see this world right till the moment he dies. _Maybe this is good. Maybe if I die, I won't have to feel this pain anymore._ As he fell, he remembered the days he had spent in Raira, and after graduating. The way Shinra had asked Izaya to join a club with him. The way he had introduced him to Shizuo. The way Shizuo had rejected him. The way he had left his mark on Shizuo. The way he continued to bother him. The way he spoiled so many lives... Still, the only thing he could regret was Shizuo. The way he had approached Shizuo. The way he had chased after him. The way he had spent his days with him. They had all been done wrong.

Suddenly, a head poked out of the edge of the building he had just fallen from. _Shizu-chan?_ He thought. _Ahh… he must be confused. How could I, Orihara Izaya, have slipped and fallen to my death? The one person he couldn't harm. Are you glad now, Shizuo? I'm dead. No one will pester you anymore. No more cuts and bruises. You can finally live your life peacefully and happily with all of your friends, just the way you wanted it._

But, Shizuo didn't have the face of a person who was overjoyed by his enemy's death… but instead… that of a person who was watching his friend take his last breath. The only thing Shizuo could think of was Izaya's expression as he looked up towards him. He couldn't understand it. What did it mean?

_So unfair, Shizu-chan. Showing that face to me only right before I'm about to die. Oh, well, at least you did show it to me…_

Izaya stretched out his hands as if he were about to hug him.

_Don't look like that. It's ok..._

_...I don't feel lonely anymore._

And then the darkness engulfed him.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I hope you liked it! I know I rushed a bit too much to the ending and I should've developed Izaya's feelings a bit more. The point was that Izaya died without Shizuo ever getting know about his true feelings, and that Shizuo will continue to hate him, even though Izaya loved Shizuo till he took his last breath (I know, I'm the worst. Sorry! ^^|l|)
> 
> Also, I called it 'Forsaken Illusion', because I was talking about the dream. It was due to the dreams that Izaya's condition became like this, and thus he died. Therefore the name 'Forsaken Illusion'. I had a friend of mine help me out with that name and also the dream part (since I'm not particularly good with story names and fluff ^^|l|) Credits to Tanucat for the dream part (she asked me not to reveal her true name, since she's an undercover agent and all.)
> 
> Please do post comments so I know where to improve or if I made any grammatical errors! Thanks for reading~! ^^


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